a poem came

It's like relief when a poem comes- providing what you yourself cannot- so I gratefully wrote this one down. I think there's another one inside trying to get out. I'm trying to make the space for it.

From July 22, 2013:

I have found the garden a merciful place

with no aim of production but mirth!

Circular thoughts, received by the dirt, turning compost for freshness

Nosing through vines, foliage uncovers forgotten fruit of a doubtful seed

when soil and sun and air and blessed rain seemed unfit to coax from my hopes a new leaf.

7/22/13

Scrapbook

Saturday:

This morning I slowed to a crawl...

and this afternoon I just stopped all together…

...while the momentum of the past eight months of 2013, unaware of a suddenly inert passenger, piled into me and clattered down around.

Slowly, cathartically, I pieced together the story of more than half a year, from sporadically snapped photos and unpacked memories and decided to finally 'scrapbook' them here on my blog. 

I had no energy for much else on this final Saturday before I face a new passage in my life: a full-term pregnancy, birthing the child, and parenthood.

Looking forward, I treasure this chance to look back....

Read on for stories and photos from January to August...grouped into people, gardens, work & life, a baby and adventures, and my dear Dad.

Rich in People

People are one of our greatest riches. Friendships and family have sustained us in 2013, a year of many dynamics and passages. These are just a few visits during which a photo was snapped. 

Friends surviving cancer, signing up with Wycliffe, with a daughter on college break.
Always a boost to visit with them.

My friend who knows just when to get out-of-doors: We began the new year with a beautiful hike to the fire tower that looks over VA and West VA.

A road trip to Texas! We had a great time with M's sister and family, just didn't take many photos.  This cutie niece loved the sand on our adventure to Boca Chica beach. I loved the fresh fruit and flip flops in early March.

Waiting for sunrise on a chilly Easter morn. Precious time with family. I will never forget how Dad, facing death, sang with his whole heart that day and I could barely whimper out the words beyond my tears.

Sharing dinner (and lots of other things) with our next-door neighbors is very common and the main reason why we live where we do.

"Messin' about in boats" with good friends as soon as it was warm enough.

 ...and warm enough to cook out and play with bunnies!
Favorite quote from this visit: 'Mama, Hana, bunny, yum yum' (by H, 20 months)
I think all my nieces and nephews are precocious.

The promised canoe chauffeuring for Mother's Day in VA, can't be dissuaded by a drizzle.

All three Mothers this year! and no we did not try to coordinate all that pink.

Me and my Mom and the one on the way

I believe in Green

Dreaming Green in a grey winter. Geting out the seeds I'd saved...

Seeds started mid-March...

Warm enough to sit outside in the daylight by April...

From one month...

To another!

Cabbage planted last fall boasted enormous leaves!

First fruits (and herbs)

That white bulb...is a RADISH. I've never seen the likes.

Sweet and buttery

First cuts of the greens...

Newly constructed layer garden beds made in January (Gaia's Gardening),
waiting for decomposition and warmth... 

...to rambunctiousness in July!

Living and working

I get paid to work in the area of my passion: training community health workers

Their passion is inspiring:
I am a promoter for the cause of "peace and freedom in body, mind and spirit"

...and "to share good attitudes and brotherly love."

"Everything is easier when we're united"

I share an office with our lead outreach worker, in the basement of the health department.

And this is a snapshot into the machines of M's paid work. He designs them...

...and got to help install one in Ecuador (note the star fruit).

At home, favorite pastime is felling trees and cutting wood. 

Putting up the new birdhouse from Dad. First occupants: a chipping sparrow family of seven babies!

Another of M's hobbies: Otis is our laid back Papa bunny. He's huge, not the brightest, and quite funny.

Bunnies grow so fast! from peanut-sized to handfuls of fluff in a few weeks.

And they come in bunches!

And one more hobby, now painted and upholstered for visibility! Fearless niece gets a little ride.

New Life and Adventures

In hopes and in honor of the new life coming to our family, we planted these bulbs on January 1st 2013...

Which blossomed brightly by 2nd trimester, as much a mystery as the little person developing inside my body.

So we went on some adventures together. A road trip to TX.
Here crossing the Muddy Mighty Mississip. 

M drove the whole way, since I was recovering from debilitating pelvic pain which, we discovered gratefully that week in TX, abated once I entered 2nd trimester.

We made sure to sample Cajun culture and cuisine as we crossed the bayou's, including true Cajun folks at a roadside and a brief taste of New Orleans French Quarter.

We returned by the southerly-most route possible, shelling and bird-watching along the Gulf.

In June we explored the woodlands of PA, some new and some familiar.

Photo shoots are rarely successful with us two, but hey, here we are, about to enter 3rd trimester, in the beauty of Pennsylvania...

June 2013

3 years earlier July 2010

Family o' three

Dad

Three years ago, in 2010, Dad just been re-diagnosed with cancer, now metastasized. My sister and her new husband and myself and my fiance got to spend Father's Day with Mom and Dad in PA. What we thought would be our last Father's Day with him.

This June 2013, we were together again, with Dad's health in severe and steady decline. A painful celebration.

Dad and I both faced life passages in our bodies, juxtaposed with unique discomforts and losses, but as I gained, he lost weight. It was so hard to watch. 

He joined in meals whether or not he could enjoy them. He could taste some things, but since his GI was ruined, he could no longer send anything of substance down there without paying heavily for it in pain and vomiting. His presence remained one of courage and grace and even peace. Here we are celebrating the men and fathers in our family with D&A and their family who live locally to support Mom and Dad through this time.

M and I transported 2 bunnies from VA just to add some cuteness or comfort to the occasion.  But in fact it was my nephew who added the cuteness!

On Memorial Day wkend, my entire family was able to be all together, including my sister and husband serving in Kenya, who came home to be with us since Dad had taken a very serious turn.

We had some pictures taken, knowing it would be the last with all 20 of us present in body.

Us five sibs with Mom and Dad

Mom and all her daughters

Living on spare clear liquids for weeks, Dad's body used up all its resources as nutrition. For the last 11 days, he took nothing more than ice chips and was too weak to carry his tall frame out of bed for the last 8. Here he's delighting in aromatic bouquets collected by my sister. His hunger was gone, but his mind, his senses and his personality remained keen to the end.

Not knowing it would be the last week together, I finally got to spend a chunk of tim in PA with my parents, being present and caring for my Dad. It was an incredible privilege.

We watched 4th of July fireworks online and skyped with grandkids. Dad was fully aware of the extent of his suffering and his growing powerlessness. His voice fainted to an inaudible whisper, but his ability to communicate did not. He exuded gratefulness for care and made a point to bless all of his kids and their spouses in person. The peace and freedom that he lived and died with had a powerful effect on us  and will continue to, as living with his absence has just begun.

Anyone who knew Dad, knew that Mom was his greatest treasure.
And he was hers.

Dad's body died on July 6th, 2013,
after a valiant final 12 hours.
We were with him, utterly shocked that he was suddenly gone,
while cheering through our tears for him to cross the finish line to freedom from his suffering.

What!? How??! Why??! So soon?
And one month has now passed since Dad's death.
and it is still a mystery.
We don't know what to do
except to watch his zinnias bloom,
 share the prolific trombetta squash,
and ache.